She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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