Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
