how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
