I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
