You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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