I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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