I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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