i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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