im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
