wanna go halves on a baby?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
