I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy