He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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