Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
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The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.