I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants