i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
