two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
