Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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