I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
