When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
