shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
