So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Girls should come with a carfax report
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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