Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
