i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
