"it" just moved
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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