The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
