Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
