my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
