you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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