pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
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gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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