She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
