Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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