I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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