if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
