I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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