you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize