her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
