Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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