From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
