I wish I could teleport
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
