the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
