So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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