OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
