jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
