The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
