I just threw up on my dentist
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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