Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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