I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize