We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
