I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
