The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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