Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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