C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
