if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
