I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
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My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.