you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
