last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
