hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
