Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
