Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
