I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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